I have recently been missing the atmosphere of putting my ideas and thoughts onto my site. I can't believe I let this get away from me. But to be honest, the reason I started it was probably because I was one of those naive college freshman who bought a macbook and I felt like I could be part of the intellectual community by doing something like this. Turns out I actually do enjoy doing it, and in fact miss it.
A lot has changed in two years. I have almost completed my schooling to become a pharmacist, my relationship is in an excellent place (yes it is the same one I posted about last time...that little blurb), my family is doing well, and I feel just as lost as ever. I mean I know what I am doing and what I need to do, but there is still this emptiness grasping at me screaming that I need to be doing something more meaningful or just anything to give myself a sense of worth. I am hoping that this feeling will pass with time, especially as I actually settle into a career and can be sure of what I will be doing. I don't really know why I am even writing about this. I guess it just feels good to write.
Of course there are always other paths I could have taken. Other lives I could have pursued. I sincerely doubt any of those would, in the long run, give me the satisfaction and the life that I desire. However, I still find myself contemplating that exact subject. Time after time. Now this is not constant, but it comes to the surface of my thoughts sporadically.
Recently, I have found myself wanting to get done with my work as fast as possible so I can relax and watch Netflix or play some video games. But why? What are these time fillers giving me? Well I would rationalize it and say that I feel like I am stressed a lot and these are an outlet for that, but come on - I just procrastinate too much. It's not that I mean to (after all that is the art), it's just that I find much of the information I am learning to be redundant and very uninteresting. I find I selectively learn pieces of information: things I find intriguing, odd subjects and strange cases, etc. And yet, none of the information I deem worthy of testing, is tested. It really frustrates me. I know from talking to many people in my field that a lot of what we learn in school will never be revisited again. And it especially grinds my gears when we receive extraordinarily long handouts/notes and there will only be a hand full of questions on that subject matter. I know being thorough is a trait many teachers possess, but for what I want to learn, and be able to learn in a timely fashion, condense it, please.
I digress.
As you can see, there is a lot of frustration and stress in my life presently with my education and what I need to do. There is just so much to be learned and lots of things to do. I just hope that someone might read this and laugh a little at a young man's first world problems; complaining about how hard and unfair college life is. Truly, I am very great full for my life and everything I have been able to do and experience. By no means did I chose an easy path. And I am glad I did. It really is the free time I miss the most; probably one of the main reasons my grades suffer - I mean I still pass and all, but it isn't the all A's and B's like high school...which I have learned is far too easy.
Writing this won't solve any of my issues. Writing this probably won't even matter. But I feel better now that I have engaged myself in the internet community again, on my own terms, on my own site. I am very thankful Weebly has this amazing site where I can do this.
Right now what I do in my time is go to class, eat, try to work out a few times during the week, meet with groups for various projects that need attending, studying (trying my best to study because this material is askdjflasldkfjoawekoaejsf), and the rest of my time is spent trying to relax myself or to just get away from the life I am in - whether that be House of Cards (just started that and I am hooked for sure), Breaking Bad (still really awesome/depressing - on Season 4 currently), playing League of Legends or Diablo or Call of Duty or RuneScape or whatever my brother and I do, and watching movies/tv shows. All of these filler activities are probably my problem and I will crave them if I can't do them when I start a real job. To be honest I might be addicted to them. I probably am. But I do have restraint. Just that lately I find it harder and harder to not stray from my work because I find the work so repulsive and uninteresting and in general bleh. My motivation to better my education is still there. I still want to learn so that I can help my patients when the time comes. But some of this is completely one-off type of information. I don't know. I should be more invested, but I feel like I am not. I need to focus. I always tell myself that. Focus. Focus. Focus. It comes and goes. I get work done. I procrastinate. A vicious cycle. I will get through and make it.
I always can relax myself by thinking of how I have my entire family to support me. And her. She is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Strong, smart, mature, silly, punny, and she knows how to help me. And I know how to help her. I am looking forward to our life together.
As always, I appreciate any feedback.